He’s played me so badly, and all I want to do is cry.
This wasn’t supposed to happen. I was supposed to be happily single and not give one fuck about a guy. And then I met HIM, and everything went to shit. Because, of course, life can’t let me fall for a guy who is, I dunno, single? No, it had to make me fall for the one guy I can’t have. And what’s worse, he’s got some sort of feelings for me, but that doesn’t make things easier, because he’s got a girlfriend. He’s asked me what I want, but…I can’t tell him what I want. I can’t tell him because he’ll make me hate me for saying it later, if things did miraculously work out.
See, he has a girlfriend. He’s got a girl who doesn’t live in our area at all and is in the army. And I don’t know how he feels about her. When he talks to me, he doesn’t really talk about her. And that’s felt wonderful. All my time, bickering, talking and being around him has been so fucking wonderful, and now…now I just want to shoot myself (not literally) for falling for this trap, if it is a trap. I fell for him, I really fucking like him. But he is still with his girlfriend. And I don’t know if he wants me to say something, but I’m not that kind of girl. I won’t break people apart. I want to just…exist without drama. And yet it found me.
Because we made out last Sunday, and God, did if feel so right. It was perfect, and I could tell that he was feeling the same things. But then..then morning came and I went back to being me and he went back to living his life. And the thing is…I was fine. And by fine, I mean coping. I was coping until tonight, while I was working, he brought his girlfriend (who is here for the weekend) to the restaurant where we work. He brought her there. He…he fucking brought her to the restaurant. And it took all of me not to break down as I sat them at a booth. At that moment in time, I just felt like the third wheel, the other woman. I felt completely devastated and had to leave work early.
And I wonder if he noticed I left? I wonder if he cared? But of course not. He hasn’t texted me. He’s too busy with his goddamn girlfriend. He’s too busy with the girl who’s going back sometime soon and all I wanted to do, was shake him to his senses. I really really want to tell him that I’m worth it. That I’m worth the pain of breaking someone’s heart, because I’ve got so much in me. I could love him.
But I can’t. I don’t know. It just hurts like hell, and leaving early, I went home, and ended up crying in my father’s arms. Something I haven’t done in many years. But he held me, and I could tell he felt so bad for me. So sorry that my heart was breaking, and at that point, it broke even more. And all I wanted was to eat ice cream, but we don’t have any. So I’m drinking whiskey, and that’s why this rant is so long, I apologize.
I’m done. I just needed a breath. Some air. Some…space. Someone to read this even if they won’t.
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